Wednesday, April 27, 2005


mmm-mmm! I am eating lemonheads, the candy. I haven't eaten these in years. They are really sour in the middle.

I had an appointment with my therapist today but I blew it off because Zane and I were arguing. I didn't mean to pick a fight but I was still upset about an argument we had Monday.

So I have been acting like a Lemonhead all day. (thats a good band name right there!) I wish I could just be normal and nice and cooperative, but I am not. I even took a blogger quiz that labeled me "antisocial." Which I thought was funny.

I'm just so pessimistic . I mean if I am around my friends, I'm OK, But driving in my car, or home with my immediate family I just say the most negative stuff. Its like word vomit. I feel it coming up, but there is little I can do to stop it. I thought maybe I was just that way, a Pessimist. But then I was reading an article in a magazine that said severe pessimism is a sign of depression. Depression.

I was diagnosed with Bi-polar a few years back. Then when I didn't live up to the diagnosis (because I had no "psychotic episodes) he changed it to cyclo-thymia. Which is a stupid name for mood swings. I know I had manic episodes where I felt really really crative and not able to turn my brain off to sleep. So I took a lot of different drugs to get me to "the middle" and I just couldn't keep on them. I was still having angry outbursts, and I hated some of the side effects. On one of the meds, I couldn't finish a thought or a sentence. I sounded really dumb and felt really frustrated.

So now I am faced with having to do something about it. I can't have my kids growing up with crazy mom. But I hate those damn pills. So far, talking to a therapist isn't helping. Hey!! maybe if I just get all my crazy , mean thoughts down in this blog I will feel a little better. Yeah, thats it. I can just say what I wanna say and get it the hell out of my system! That might be a lot of writing.