Saturday, April 30, 2005


there are Chinese and Chopones. (Japanese) Also last week we went to a wedding reversal (rehearsal) she also referred to it as a wedding recycle. She is almost 5, and otherwise speech impediment free.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Message from God

Oh MY God, and I mean that literally.

I just got a really cool message from the Big Guy. As soon as I finished that last post, whining about my son, the song Whip It came on. By Devo. You know, "when a problem comes along, you must whip it."


My Tiger has Autism

My son, Tiger, has Autism. I've known this for 4 years, he is almost 7. He doesn't talk. He goes to public school and they do the best they can, and they are wonderful. But he needs alot more. He needs countless hours of speech therapy. Its killing me that I can't afford to help him. I can't afford the $120 an hour. Its killing me. He is So special. I love all my children but he is my heartbreaker for sure. He is a very smart child and he is trapped within himself and My God there is NOTHING I can do to help him out. Do you know whats that is like? I can't help him.

Its all I can do to just keep myself together enough to deal with his problems, and my other kids. And I wonder what God was thinking when he gave me this one. Why give this child to me, when I obviously do not have my act together in these least. Why give me a task that I know I am going to fail? Why break my heart every single day?

Maybe God knows I am the most stubborn woman there ever was. Maybe He knows I won't give up. Maybe its not for me to "cure" Tiger but to love him all I can while he gets to where he needs to be. I am assured all the time by his teachers that he is high functioning, just speech impaired. He is loving ,and smart, and picks up on all sorts of social ques that most Autistics don't. So there is my hope. He can do it. He just isn't.

Every time I bemoan my situation with him I see something that breaks my heart even more. When I think it can't be worse than we have it I see someone else who definitely has it worse. Like the guy who complained he had no shoes til he saw a man with no feet. So I guess I better just stop complaining and figure out what the hell I am going to do about my own problems.

Anybody know of a job I can get that pays $120 an hour?

Wednesday, April 27, 2005


mmm-mmm! I am eating lemonheads, the candy. I haven't eaten these in years. They are really sour in the middle.

I had an appointment with my therapist today but I blew it off because Zane and I were arguing. I didn't mean to pick a fight but I was still upset about an argument we had Monday.

So I have been acting like a Lemonhead all day. (thats a good band name right there!) I wish I could just be normal and nice and cooperative, but I am not. I even took a blogger quiz that labeled me "antisocial." Which I thought was funny.

I'm just so pessimistic . I mean if I am around my friends, I'm OK, But driving in my car, or home with my immediate family I just say the most negative stuff. Its like word vomit. I feel it coming up, but there is little I can do to stop it. I thought maybe I was just that way, a Pessimist. But then I was reading an article in a magazine that said severe pessimism is a sign of depression. Depression.

I was diagnosed with Bi-polar a few years back. Then when I didn't live up to the diagnosis (because I had no "psychotic episodes) he changed it to cyclo-thymia. Which is a stupid name for mood swings. I know I had manic episodes where I felt really really crative and not able to turn my brain off to sleep. So I took a lot of different drugs to get me to "the middle" and I just couldn't keep on them. I was still having angry outbursts, and I hated some of the side effects. On one of the meds, I couldn't finish a thought or a sentence. I sounded really dumb and felt really frustrated.

So now I am faced with having to do something about it. I can't have my kids growing up with crazy mom. But I hate those damn pills. So far, talking to a therapist isn't helping. Hey!! maybe if I just get all my crazy , mean thoughts down in this blog I will feel a little better. Yeah, thats it. I can just say what I wanna say and get it the hell out of my system! That might be a lot of writing.