Friday, June 03, 2005

Thank You, Innocents

I debated myself on whether or not to write about what today is. Do I go into the bottom drawer and look at the pictures? Do I read the old letters? Do I risk the certain tears?

June 3, 1990 was the second worst day of my life. I was 19 and in a hospital in premature labor. I was pregnant with twin boys. I had been there for a week, bedridden, trying not to go into labor. But by the 8th day my body was giving out, my kidneys were going to fail. Labor was inevitable.

At 4:15 in the afternoon I gave birth to James. He weighed in at 13.8 ounces, and measured 11.4 inches. 3 hours and 11 minutes later I gave birth to Justin. He weighed in at 15.2 ounces and measures 10.6 inches. I got to hold them each for a little while. They were so early they didn't have much lung development. I was almost glad for that. I'm glad their time on earth wasn't spent being roughed up by a doctor, but in my arms. I cried and cried. The nurses cried. Then I don't remember what happened. I don't remember that night. I vaguely remember those next few days.

The nurses took some pictures of them. They are just grainy polaroid pictures, but I am grateful for them. thats pretty much all I have of them. Polaroids, blankets, their little hats.

June 7, 1990 was the worst day of my life. That day it was over 100 degrees, hot as ever in Phoenix. But it was windy. It was so windy that my tears dried off my cheek almost as fast as they fell. I sat there on a grey fold up chair staring at a hole in the ground. I felt emptier than that hole. It felt like an eternity sitting there, listening to the wind blowing the tarp around.

Then the hearse drove up and I stood up. My heart quickened. I'd never seen such a small coffin. I couldn't get over the fact that they were in there. I had to fight the urge to open it and get them. I need to hold them just once more. Just one more time!

After that day all I thought about was them, and how much I just wanted to hold them. I was alone alot. Nobody knew what to say. There was nothing to say. I wanted to have another baby.
I had gone from a girl who didn't want to have children at all, to someone who just couldn't think of anything else. A year and 4 months later I had Jacqui. No complications. She weighed 8 pounds, 4. ounces. Perfectly healthy.

Thanks to Justin and James I am the mother I never thought I would be. I don't know that there would be a Jacqui, Alex, Tiger, and Zoe, if it weren't for Justin and James. They weren't replaced by any means. I get to hold them every time I hold their siblings.

And its wonderful!