Countdowns

Its 5 minutes to 10:00 at night. My children are not asleep. They are not even close. Wait, one of them is rolling himself up in a blanket! No...no..its just a game. He's laughing under there. Mocking me!

I got Jacqui here for her summer visit just this last Sunday. She's 13. No drama so far. Its a bittersweet visit. I am coming to terms with the fact that she has NO intention of ever coming to live with me. I know, things could change. But they could stay the same. She talks about what highschool she will be going to there in Phoenix. I don't want to hear it. But I say nothing. I think the sooner I come to terms with the fact that she has made her choice the sooner I will get over it. Sounds harsh, but I find it really hard to hang on to a hopeless situation. I think she is totally wrong, but she seems happy only seeing me 8 weeks out of the year. Unless her dad does something illegal I can't do anything much to change it.

Thats just five more summers. And what about after she is 16, she might want a job? 8 weeks a year, times 5. Thats just 40 weeks that I get her to myself. Thats what I have left of her childhood. She said, "Its not like I won't come see you after I graduate from highschool. " But after all this time, I find it hard to believe that she will either.

I know parenting is not for Sissies, but being a non custodial parent is just the twilight zone of parenthood.

Thank You, Innocents

I debated myself on whether or not to write about what today is. Do I go into the bottom drawer and look at the pictures? Do I read the old letters? Do I risk the certain tears?

June 3, 1990 was the second worst day of my life. I was 19 and in a hospital in premature labor. I was pregnant with twin boys. I had been there for a week, bedridden, trying not to go into labor. But by the 8th day my body was giving out, my kidneys were going to fail. Labor was inevitable.

At 4:15 in the afternoon I gave birth to James. He weighed in at 13.8 ounces, and measured 11.4 inches. 3 hours and 11 minutes later I gave birth to Justin. He weighed in at 15.2 ounces and measures 10.6 inches. I got to hold them each for a little while. They were so early they didn't have much lung development. I was almost glad for that. I'm glad their time on earth wasn't spent being roughed up by a doctor, but in my arms. I cried and cried. The nurses cried. Then I don't remember what happened. I don't remember that night. I vaguely remember those next few days.

The nurses took some pictures of them. They are just grainy polaroid pictures, but I am grateful for them. thats pretty much all I have of them. Polaroids, blankets, their little hats.



June 7, 1990 was the worst day of my life. That day it was over 100 degrees, hot as ever in Phoenix. But it was windy. It was so windy that my tears dried off my cheek almost as fast as they fell. I sat there on a grey fold up chair staring at a hole in the ground. I felt emptier than that hole. It felt like an eternity sitting there, listening to the wind blowing the tarp around.

Then the hearse drove up and I stood up. My heart quickened. I'd never seen such a small coffin. I couldn't get over the fact that they were in there. I had to fight the urge to open it and get them. I need to hold them just once more. Just one more time!



After that day all I thought about was them, and how much I just wanted to hold them. I was alone alot. Nobody knew what to say. There was nothing to say. I wanted to have another baby.
I had gone from a girl who didn't want to have children at all, to someone who just couldn't think of anything else. A year and 4 months later I had Jacqui. No complications. She weighed 8 pounds, 4. ounces. Perfectly healthy.

Thanks to Justin and James I am the mother I never thought I would be. I don't know that there would be a Jacqui, Alex, Tiger, and Zoe, if it weren't for Justin and James. They weren't replaced by any means. I get to hold them every time I hold their siblings.

And its wonderful!

Bloodlust!

Okay, as if the squirrel incident wasn't icky enough...

Today I was just driving down the road after getting Alex from school. I see a snake in the middle of the road! I turned the van around to go back to let Alex see it, and I asked him if I should run over it. He said YES!! with no hesitation. So I did. Then Alex was dissapointed because he didn't see enough blood.

Ahhh...its gonna be a great summer!

Zoe 

Zoe-isms

For Sanderson

...in July we will be going on our first family daycation.

...a kid pooped their pants and Zoe said, it must have been diarina.

happy first day of June!

UGH.

Our dog apparently killed a squirrel yesterday in the back yard and was in the process of eating when I let the kids out back to play.

They ran in to tell me that Summer was eating a squirrel! Summer's eating a squirrell!! They weren't grossed out. They weren't amazed that the dog somehow caught the squirrel. They weren't even sad for the squirrel.

And you know what I did? The good Mom that I am? Nothin. I told them not to touch it! And then, nothin. I didn't even go look. What was I thinking? A few hours later I went out there and saw the other dog chowing down on it. Thats a funny sight, a little weiner dog eating a squirrel.

Squirrel, its whats for dinner.